Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
