wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
