How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
