Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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