it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
