4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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