i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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