Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
