Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
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