So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
