I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
