Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
