from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
