Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
