1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
