I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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