the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
