I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
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He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
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You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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