After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
