If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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