Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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