It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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