I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
