last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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