New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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