There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
