she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
