hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
