So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
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I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
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To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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