She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
