Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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