i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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