totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
