I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
