i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
