I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i've created a new STD.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
