I wish you could order shots online.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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