I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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