I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
