I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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