I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
