life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
