I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
