My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
as a side note pls kill me
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