so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
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Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
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I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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