Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
