the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
