I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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