yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
