are you so shy because you have an std?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
