This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
