Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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