I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
