This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
