I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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