Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
