dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
