it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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