well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
