You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
