you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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