This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
