the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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