I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
