I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
