I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
